Garden plants giving you problems?

By Murray Montgomery
Staff Writer

People really should not have to put up with uncooperative tomato plants and cucumbers that absolutely refuse to grow the way they should. After all your hard work, the rowdy plants actually believe that they can do whatever they please.

And it is not just the “maters” and “cukes” that like to thumb their noses (if they had a thumb and a nose) at all the hard work you have done to make your garden the envy of the neighborhood; corn, cabbage, broccoli, and bell peppers have been known to get a little pompous at times. But after all the weeding and fertilizing you have given them; they should at least show a little respect!

You should not have to put up with this; treat these dirt-dwelling creatures like you would unruly children and give them a piece of your mind. It is time to let them have a verbal chastising that they will never forget.

I will be honest with you right off the bat; I really do not think that plants can hear but there are people out there that do believe it. In my personal opinion, I think some people talk to plants because nobody else will listen to them. And if somebody catches them talking to a cucumber they can always say, “I am not nuts because when I talk to the “cuke” it makes him feel like somebody cares and he will produce more!”

If plants can hear, it seems to me that we might have better results using threats rather than trying to sweet-talk them. We could say things like, “If you do not produce, I will sic the grasshoppers on you.” We could even threaten to take away their Sevin Dust – you get the idea.

Over the years, quite a bit of research has been done to see if plants really can hear. Some of that research has found that not only can they hear, but they can talk as well – go figure. In the small amount of research that I have done on the subject; I have found that much of the stuff that has been written is quite vague and seems a bit “made up.”

It kind of reminds me of some in our news media that offer up “unnamed sources” in an attempt to push their agenda. But I digress. Getting back to the plants; one source claims the following, “According to research from Tel Aviv University, flowers exposed to playback sound of a flying bee or to synthetic sound signals at similar frequencies, produce sweeter nectar within 3 minutes, potentially increasing the chances of cross-pollination.” How about that?

And then there is this from an unnamed source informing us that plants can talk, “Water-stressed plants appear to make louder sounds than their stem-cut companions. If further research bears out this observation, it could open the door to plant listening posts in commercial farming and greenhouse operations that would let growers pinpoint areas of potential drought to take appropriate action.” Is this unbelievable or what?

Also, there is the theory that plants favorly respond to hours of classical tunes being played for them but they do not care much for rock music. Does that mean the pampered dirt-dwellers refuse to produce if exposed to Lynyrd Skynyrd or ZZ Top? Not only can they hear and talk, they are snobs as well. Get out the weed eater!

So it goes, as with most subjects, there will always be believers and nonbelievers but I think the following from the Frisella Nursery in Missouri has pretty well nailed it: “So even if the idea does technically lack the science to back it up, talking to your plants is really a win-win for the both of you. Your plants will grow and you will have a great outlet to destress and spill all of your juicy gossip or vent. The best part is that you don't have to worry about word getting out and coming back to haunt you for what you said about what your crazy coworker did in the lunchroom this week.”

Finally, if you happen to see a sweet little old lady in her garden playing classical music and talking to her plants; do not judge her – chances are her tomatoes will be better than yours.